I love listening to you talk about you!

You know last week I was feeling damn emo. DAMN DAMN DAMN EMO. I suddenly feel that friendships are a lot of work and I may be wrong but I feel like I am the only one putting in the effort sometimes. I am truly tired of it all. It doesn't quite help when I begin to realize that some of my friends are taking me for granted.

I have been crazy calling my friends, trying to get someone to come out and spend some time with me.. I had some troubles at work and I really needed to get it out of my system.

One by one, they told me they're not free, they're working, meeting bf.. bla bla bla. And some of them, I called not once, but twice in that week. And each time I hang up the phone, none of them asked if there was anything urgent. Not that there was, but I mean.. I call them, they ramble on about whatever it is they are busy with, I listen. Then the call ends with either one of the scenario below:

A. Friend says, "Ya so that's what happened lo. Eh I gtg, bye!"

B. I say, "Oh I see.. eh got time not? Wanna meet?"
Friend says, "I can't.. got appointment le. Sorry ar. Next time k? Bye!"

It makes me wonder.. do I really have friends? Maybe I can't tell that ppl don't like me? Even.. *gulp* friends whom I've known for more than 20 years.

Or perhaps my life has never had any major hiccups and even if I did, I was always able to manage on my own, without any help.

But even so, I wasn't asking for help.. I only wanted someone to talk to. No one even asked me the basic question of why I called them in the 1st place. It is very depressing. :(

So last weekend, I was home and sulking. When the husband forced me to tell him what's wrong, I said, "Nobody wants to talk to me. I can't get anyone to talk to me. I listen to everyone talk about their troubles at work, at home, themselves.. but no one wants to listen to me talk abt me anymore."

"I love listening to you talk abt you, isn't that enough?"

At that, I cudn't disagree and I stopped sulking.

Isn't he just the sweetest.

Note: I know some ppl don't like to read about other ppl's lovey-dovey stuff but I am not exactly writing this for other ppl to see. It is more of a reminder for myself, when I am old and grey and perhaps not so happy in my marriage anymore, i will look back at these posts and be reminded of how much he loved me/loves me. So I apologise if it makes you uncomfortable!

Of Bananas and Fruitcakes

I had a very turbulent time last week. To be honest, I kept thinking it was because of my husband. I suddenly had panic attacks about our marriage. I started to think I married too young, and that I was now stuck cuz of that decision I made without even thinking twice.

But I also knew I had many things going on last week and the truth was I had not been able to find anyone close to me to talk about it. And since I thought this was about my husband, he was not one of the people I would look to talk to, though I know for sure he would have dropped everything just to listen to me for a while, had I asked.

So by Friday night, I was literally a volcano waiting to erupt. I had the most horrible day at work, provoked by Banana-face (a colleague@work) who is everything I hate in a girl.

When the husband came home, I just blew up at him, not abt what I was unhappy abt with us (which I still was not able to tell what exactly I was unhappy abt) but abt Banana-face, whom I believed to the bones that she was sent from hell to destroy me.

As I talked to him, tears fell endlessly but as those tears fell, it was like my misery was pouring out of my body. The more I cried, the better I felt. And then all of a sudden, I was back to my old self. Full of love and awe of my husband and how glad I was that he was here with me, despite all the evil things I thought abt when I could not figure out what was causing my temporary depression.

It hit me then that it was my work that was driving me nuts, not him! And the reason why I could not put a finger on my "problem" with him was cuz there wasn't any to begin with! I was just looking at the wrong place. Or perhaps everything at home has been so smooth that even I can't believe it. There had to be something wrong! And so round and round I went in my head, trying to create a problem between us. I can't believe how stupid I've been the past week!

It had nothing to do with marrying too young and not thinking twice abt it. And I hadn't thought twice about it cuz that was how sure I am about marrying this man! And I know I haven't made the wrong choice. He is still the one.

But this really set me thinking.. how scary! one person's thought can change everything. That you can become convinced by yourself when what you are thinking is totally untrue. Had I insisted that I was right about me marrying too young, the night he came home, we would have been sure to go into a big fight and who knows what would have become of us today? Cuz surely, to have said anything like that to someone so close to you would hurt like a bitch and not many couples can survive such fights and carry on with their relationship like nasty words haven't been exchanged.

But it is even scarier to know that you don't know yourself very well. How I was not able to tell what was causing my depression, I cannot understand.

Well, it could be because I have been too comfortable in my previous job that I forgot what it was like to have politics in the work place. Or it could simply have been PMS. I swear, it came and went, just like that!

Anyhow, you can be sure that you will be seeing a lot of mention of Banana-face on my blog from now on.

My gloves are so OFF!

All by myself.

No one has time for me this week.. not even my mom.. :(

Are you paid to take advantage of the company's resources?

Z: Do you think I can extend my trip a day or 2 so I can go around and see a few places?
K: I am sure that's not a problem but you will have to make sure your dates work out and doesn't interfere with the shop's roster and your manager OK-s it..
N: Unless of cuz, K is willing to help you tweak the schedule a little bit so you have an excuse to stay longer.. then the manager will have nothing to say also.
K: I will do no such thing. All the flights going out are full cuz of the summer holidays in Europe, if I get a seat confirmed for you, you get on that flight and come back! Plus, I don't think the manager will be pleased if I threw that bomb on him so last minute and leave him with no time to re-do the roster.
N: Wa lao.. this K.. open mouth only say wrong thing.
K: This may be the wrong thing to say, but it is the right thing to do!

VERY ANGRY. How is that the wrong thing to say?! How dare she accuse me so openly!

Ya I sore loser, SO?! I am paid to work here and I will do just that. I'm your COLLEAGUE, not your friend! Of cuz I think from the standpoint of the organization, not YOU!

Very Suay Week

1. Had to work late, missed haircut appointment and got scolded by stylist for informing her late. (In fact I called on the dot to cancel, how is that considered late?)
2. Wanted to watch Inception (badly), booked tickets for tomorrow night and got cancelled on today. Now I can't watch movie plus I am left stranded on a Friday night.
3. Been wanting to get out all week but no one seems to have time for me: sister can't go out cuz father in law is on town, friend no. 1 can't go out cuz gotta work, friend no. 2 can't go out cuz gotta acc bf and friend no. 3 has totally gone MIA. Talk about friends when u need them.

It feels as though I have all the things I need but it seems like these are not what I need after all.

What's wrong with me, why am I so unhappy these days? 

I Hate WC! (But Rejoice! It's o.v.e.r!)

This best describes my A&F Ginza experience!

"Whenever I am in New York, London or Milan, I always make a beeline for an Abercrombie & Fitch store. What makes A&F so irresistible? The feel of a private club, the relentless dance music, the hip, young sales staff with runway-worthy faces and bodies, the semi-dressed models positioned at the door for photos with excited shoppers, the pervasive scent of its Fierce fragrance in the air... they all come together to pull me in like an entranced worshiper.

These sweeteners put shoppers in such a good mood that few of us would exit an A&F store without a purchase and a smile. So what if we're paying high prices for a simple tee? Or if the staff (the same ones with model faces) can't answer our product questions? Here, just take our money."

By: Dr Ng King Kang, Editorial Consultant of ZbBz, June 2010 issue

Excuse me, have you seen me?

Today has been a strange day.. I let my mind wander to wherever it wanted.. and it led me to strange places indeed.

I can't explain how I am feeling.. except that I feel I may have made some wrong choices in life. I might have had a much more fabulous life had I not made these wrong choices.. and I would not have lost myself along the way. Yes, I feel like I have lost myself.

The Kelly I am today.. was not what I pictured myself to be 10 years ago.

When I was 18, I had big dreams, I wanted to be somebody. I was not afraid to love someone and make it known. I was sure of what I wanted and was even surer that whatever I wanted, I would get them eventually.

I had a group of friends I loved being with. They were fun, they were bold, and they were never ashamed to say what they felt. They were hard-core party animals. We never went home until the sun shone on our fat asses. It was a high and wild life. I thought if one day I was being led astray, it would be because of them. But I was having fun with them and they made me feel like I was special, somebody who made a difference. So I didn't care.

Until one day, I realized they were having way too much fun to genuinely be living a decent life. And that I was so attached to them that it worried me. I wanted to go out with them everyday. That can't be good. All they do is have fun. Also, I liked a guy from that group but he was leading me on. And another guy liked me but I didn't like him. So when things got a little bit complicated.. I ditched them all. The whole group, all of them. Including my crush.. who had everything in common with me. I ditched everything.

I went on my own, and back to my own friends and began leading my own life. The life I thought that was right for me, that was right for everyone else. After all, this was the life that everyone has.. work, eat, date, get married, have babies. And not club, drink, joke, sing, dance and shit.

Today, I stumbled upon one of them on FB. My crush.. who looks like he has not aged one day.. and looks exactly the same as the day I last saw them 10 years ago. From his photos I could tell he was still doing the same things, club, drink, joke, sing, dance and shit. But some things ARE different. He now owns a production company. He has gone back to his music and is now recording his debut album with his band. He still hangs out with the same ppl and wears the same clothes. He is still the same person I fell in love with. And the guy who liked me? He is now a director in Japan. They are all living their dreams and have become somebody.

And me? I am married, miscarriaged, gone totally in the other direction that they did. And living my life like a typical Singaporean. I am 28 with no dreams and nowhere near that somebody I wanted to become. I have become restricted to my comfort zone and not keen in making new friends anymore. I question myself daily what I want out of life and don't know what I am doing with my life everyday except work, eat and go home.

I have totally lost my sense of adventure, confidence and creativity.

At that point, I stopped to think. What would have happened if I had carried on being friends with them? What if I have never craved for that normalcy and just led my life like they did? What if I was meant to become somebody and yet I threw it away?

What if they were my inspiration in life and the biggest influence I will ever have to make it big in life and.. I backed out cuz i was afraid of what lies ahead of me? Or worse.. of being different?

I think about the person I was 10 years ago and.. I don't recognise myself now. This person I see in the mirror.. is not who I wanted to be. Yet I can't find my old self. I don't know where she has gone.

I miss her.

Confusion is an understatement for me right now. This feels more like a realization that hit me hard: that I had missed my final destination in life.

And it's too late now to regret and I am never going anywhere..

except HERE. stuck here. lost here.

Where are you, Kelly?

If this is what SJP looks like in real...

What chance do we commoners have?!

It is all a lie! :(

I like this.

And what do you think of VB's new do?