it's coming back to me now..

yes i am gg to talk abt my break up again. if u haf had enuff and dun wanna hear no more, pls log off NOW!

b4 i go on tho, i realli wanna say thank you to Nastassja. :) she has been listening to me and my sob-sobs relentlessly for almost the whole of last week, everyday. Babe, you are definitely the best fren anyone can haf. can't ask for anything more in a fren. love you!

jos had also been kind to me. she may not kno wat i want or how i feel sometimes, but i kno tt no matter wat decision i make, she will alwaes find an excuse to back me up. :) sweet darling, she is. (yes, i haf my eyes on des now!)

i now kno tt i am slowly coming to terms with the fact now. cuz the heartache and flashbacks are all coming back slowly.

scenes of us having dinner tgt, memories of those friends' gatherings we went tgt, pictures of us in the scarlet hotel, dreams of our future tgt.. all clear in my head now.

the heartache comes in when i think abt how he still doesn't think tt i haf done anything constructive in this r'ship, despite my many efforts.

the heartache comes in when i think of how he wud rather be in pain abt our break up than call to talk to me.

the heartache comes in when i think of how his attitude towards at the end of the r'ship turned so drastically bad.

the heartache comes in when i think of how he said "take it or leave it" to me.

the heartache comes in when i think abt how in all these 3 and a half years we were tgt, we nv went for any holiday tgt.

the heartache comes in when i think of how these 3 and a half years has gone to waste, just in a snap of a finger.

and desmond has not been talking to me on MSN. i am so not feeling good market value now.

has been a crappy week for me since Monday. Pls pray for me so my mid-week will get better? i need it so bad. :(

almost there..

i got wind of how he was doing for the past week unexpectedly. tho it is exactly wat i expected him to b doing. i wud haf imagined he was drowning in his sorrows half the time. i was right.

i do feel bad tt at this very crucial time of his career, i am distracting him and making him unable to work. i actually recall the same thing happening this same time last year. good proof of jus how often we get into an argument.

when our mutual fren was telling me abt his week went, i did not feel any regret, nor heartbreak. i only felt bad for him. i wanted to be able to comfort him, as a fren. but i did not think abt wat was happening between us. to me, it's as good as over. if i realli wanted to be with someone, or if i loved someone so much.. i wud nv leave them in misery for so long.. not to mention even contemplate breaking up with them. his words and action jus make me feel tt all he wants is to break up. and the fact is he did bring it up (again) the last time we quarreled. wat position am i to say anything to save this r'ship?

i can't believe how calm i am or haf been throughout this week w/o him. i talk to ppl abt wat is gg on between us, not a single tear fell. i stay home to watch my korean drams and laugh heartily at their jokes. i accept invitations from other guys who seem to b showing interest in me.

even my close fren thinks this is a vast difference in me from the last time somehting similar happened between me and him. i was crying like someone died. and he merely ignored me for 2 days.

some part of my heart has died. i haf no more hope in him in trying to make things better. i no longer expect anything more from him. i am starting to learn to manage my things w/o him and his advice.

i am starting to find myself back.. day by day..

:)

guess desmond was right. sometimes we jus gotta b selfish. when i think of myself, i feel this is the best thing to happen to us. but when i think of him, i feel bad and wanna call him and go back to him jus to make him feel better.

but when i think of how he can leave me alone in SG and go overseas with his colleagues, how he can stay at home and watch soccer and leave me out completely, how he wud defend his family whenever things go wrong between us and how he got back with me the last time we broke up only becuz he felt bad and sorry for me.. i kno i am doing the right thing this time.

and i kno for a fact, even if we make up now, it'll only b a matter of time eveything happens again.

the things i will realli miss being his gf.. are some good frens i haf made through him.. his buds.. his buds' gfs.. some of his cousins.. and even his father. it's sad how it seems like i am losing a big part of my life jus by losing one person.

and all those promises i made to him, i realli wanna keep them.. but he is making it impossible for me to keep them by asking for a break up every time we quarrel now. (or perhaps that's the way i am telling myself to make myself feel less bad abt gg back on my words.)

i haf promised him i wud alwaes be with him , i realli want to. i haf promised to cook him dinenr everyday after we got married, i realli look forward to that. we even had our wedding plans in plc.. looks like it's all useless now. i'm impressed with how cold-blooded i haf become. not a single emotion in me is stirred as i am typing this. i even haf the sappiest love song on.. not affecting me at all.

i jus hope he wun come to me and say all the sweet stuff lest i change my mind abt leaving him. but to b honest, i kno he is not the kind to do things like tt. he wud rather let me go than beg me to stay. so.. i guess i'm worrying for nothing here.

now i'm jus waiting for a formal word from him.. or if there isn't gg to be any, at least when things blow over.. i need to get my things back from his place.. and there's also our joint account to settle. *sigh* this is the real headache for me. i hope when we go and close our account tgt, things wun get too emotional.

i think i will pull thru this time.. hang on, kelly, you're almost there.

*aza aza fighting!*

why are we waiting?

3rd day into my break-up simulation period. i wonder if the days are jus gonna go by w/o us ever talking to each other again. (impossible la, we have a joint account & i want ALL my money back!)

i surprised myself even by being THIS ok. i dun feel much affected by this simulated break-up (maybe cuz it's simulated, haha) but i think it's also becuz i feel like i am still in demand in the market. hahha. many many thanks to jimmy and desmond. they take turns to make my day since Monday. :)

so i've thot through the pros and cons of my r'ship.. the conclusion was easy to make, i shud move on w/o him. but i thot, it might look different if i actually did put it down somewhere, so, here goes:

PROS
1. he is a highly responsible person
2. he is a family man
3. he hates cheaters (so chances of him cheating are lower)
4. he tries to take care of me as much as he can when we are out
5. he is good with his money (good saver)
6. he has a good brain for numbers/investments (he can upgrade our financial lifestyle!)
7. he is not a possessive peron (but i wud actually prefer he is)
8. he is generous
9. he alwaes has a positive outlook to things
10. he has goals
11. he has strong determination
12. he is loyal
13. he is good to my family
14. he loves animals
15. he loves kids

CONS
1. he is too dependent on his family (unable to make decisions on his own)
2. he regards everyone as impt as everyone, no one is one top priority for him.
3. he is not romantic
4. he loves soccer too much
5. he drinks
6. he smokes
7. he stays up ridiculously late
8. he can't say i am more impt to him than his mother is
9. i dun get along with his family
10. he dun like to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries etc.
11. he doesn't like to fetch me from work/play
12. he doesn't take care of me well when i am at his plc
13. he does not put aside time for us
14. he does not make me feel impt
15. he does not haf respect for me (nor admiration)

I didn't intend to make them 15 each, it jus happened tt way. suddenly now tt i look at the list, they seem to pretty minor things to me? but wat i do kno is tt the r'ship is draining me of my self-esteem, my confidence and my cheerfulness. i feel lousy abt myself with him, i haf no confidence in wateva i do/say to him and needless to say, i am hardly happy.

i feel closer to him when we are apart (which shudn't b the case) and more distant when we are tgt. but i am definitely the happiest when we are alone tgt.. w/o any interruptions from anyone, especially his family. it's weird tho, cuz i feel happy when we hang out with his frens..

i realli think the biggest barrier between us is his family. i swear i've tried my very best to accomodate them (especially since i am living in their hse on weekends!) but.. their mannerisms jus turn me off sometimes. his 2nd sister especially irritates me. she has absolutely NO EQ. i am sure of that. and his mother, one word: PLASTIC. not to mention her obsession for control on her kids' lives. SHE WANTS TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

there wud not b enuff space for me to build on the paragraph above. so i wud not go on.

Pls refer to the both ways below for us to solve our PROBLEM:
1. he suddenly realises and understands where i'm coming from when i ask for time outside of those spent with his family (and watching soccer and wat not)
2. i jus become totally oblivious to all the ppl ard us and imagine tt there are only the 2 of us in the room with soccer blaring away in the tv (and him not looking at me most of the time), but then of cuz, the more matured way will be to learn to love his family too. (easier said than done, trust me.)

so ya.. looking at the 2 options above, it seems like the call is mine. cuz he is not going to suddenly realise anything, for that matter.

to be honest, breaking up has not been an option for me the past year. i told myself tt no matter wat happens, we will work it out tgt. after all, tt is part is maintaining a r'ship. if we break-up over things we think can't be resolved, it's jus gonna happen all over again in the nex r'ship, and the nex and the nex..

but, like i mentioned previously, he has been the one mentioning break-up these days and every time i hear it, the deeper the crack in my heart gets. and the more convinced i am tt he genuinely wants out. i can't possible work things out if the other party is not willing to do so anymore.

so now my point is, how do i make the decision to break-up or not when it is not even me who wanted it in the 1st plc? but the irony is, it is the way i am behaving tt is making thigs the way they are now. so how??

even if i do call him to talk abt it, it will only b an exchange of hurtful words tt will lead to a break-up. is there realli no other way to break-up? or is there no such thing as an amicable break-up?

i'm jus waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting. wat can i do, realli?

jus there.. hurting..

so someone has complained that this blog has not been updated. thank you, at least i feel impt for a while.

if u kno me by now, u wud haf detected that i am in a foul mood today. and yes, it is becuz of him again. i seem to go thru this every other weekend, dun i? i used to so look forward to the weekends.. but the past few weekends have made me a lil upset when the weekends come. i dunno if i shud b happy or not. i end up crying most often than not during these weekends.

i used to look forward to the weekends cuz i get to see him, spend time with him.. and actually get a few real laughs tt i am deprived of at work. but lately, i hardly even get one laugh when i am with him. even if there are, they are often fake. it is not tt i dun love him anymore, or i am bored with him. jus tt we are hardly alone now. there is alwaes his sister, his mother or jus somebody ard us. it doesn't seem to bother him, but it bothers me like crazy. we're not even getting one minute of time alone. even if i do get time alone with him, the tv is blaring away with soccer matches. how to vie for attention like tt?

he keeps saying tt i am asking for a lot. am i realli? all i want, is time with him, quality. is tt realli too much? i used to want him for the whole weekend, but i kno tt is impossible, i settled for jus one saturday. i kno he has to work sometimes, so i settled for jus saturday night. now i kno he wants to watch soccer.. so even saturday nights are gone. i am basically sitting ard his plc on weekends, waiting for him to throw me jus one glance.

how to be happy like tt?

sometimes i feel like i am his dog, jus waiting at home for him. waiting for him to come home.. and give me a pat on my head. then he scoots off to do his own things, watch tv, sleep, talk to his family.. as for me.. i'm jus there.. jus there..


when he gets a breather from work, he comes home to sleep, watch soccer, place bets, and wake up the nex morning bright & early, to play soccer with his mates. when he gets home, he sleeps. when he wakes up, he eats. after tt he watches soccer live on tv.

and i'm jus there..

wat am doing there, i as myself. it is not doing my self-esteem any good. i am not important, not appreciated and horribly overlooked.

so i go home.

when i come home, i cry. cuz i miss him. and wonder why he can't jus gimme tt bit of attention, which to him, is a lot for him to give.

lately he's been bringing up "break-up" a lot. whenever we argue, he wants to break-up. i get the feeling he's had enuff. but i am at the point where i realli dun wanna give up, after all tt we've been thru.

i realli dunno wat to do. i want to let go, but i dunno how to. if i can break-up and not feel any hurt and pain, i wud. but i kno it wud hurt, real bad. and i feel like i've given too much to let go now.

my biggest wish now is tt i wished i nv got started with him. or with anyone at all. i jus wanna b on my own.. by myself.. ignorant to the thing called love and things it does to you.

can i realli go back, now? i dun wanna b here.. ever..

lonely.. i am so lonely.. i have nobody.. to call my own..

something tells me tt i am caught in a bad relationship. and i do want to try to let go. below are the 3 things tt wud make me break up with him:

1. someone actively chases me now, so i kno i haf someone to lean back on when he is out of my life - i'm afraid of being alone.
2. someone actively chases me now, so i kno i haf someone to lean back on when he is out of my life - i'm afraid of being alone.
3. someone actively chases me now, so i kno i haf someone to lean back on when he is out of my life - i'm afraid of being alone.

so there. any takers?

Best Villian - BJARCH

help me. i've run out of good luck. :(

been a long time since i felt so helpless and down and out. work is not going smooth for me. i quarelled with my sis and we fell out. so she moved out. i dunno if she's gonna con't to help paying for the house. i'd b dead if she doesn't. and also, i've kinda cut myself off from all those ppl i used to regard as frens. you can say that i am more lonely these days, but i can say that my social health has nv been healthier.

there's someone new in my life creating havoc in it. we will call her BJARCH. in my opinion, she is like any other office bitch, except she's my boss. :( and there is absolutely nothing i can do to stop her since, she IS my boss. the worse thing is i actually managed to do something severly wrong at work last week and she is giving me total hell at work this week for the past 2 days. i realli hope i can survive today and not cringe too much at her irritating voice.

facing the music is alwaes hard, and tt is exactly wat i haf to do today. wat i've done wrong can warrant an immediate sack from my bosses but to b honest, i might b happier tt way. it's better than having to put up with humiliating looks and sarcarstic words. ARGH! can i fast-forward to the end of the day, pls!

Him.

is he cute or wat.

*sigh*

Brand New Blog!

new life, new blog. :)

this blog is still gonna b full of drama tho, in my own way of cuz! the old blog was way too emo and it was bringing me down each time i go bac to it. it feels almost like i haf to write in a entirely emo mood everytime i go there. and tt is not wat i want!! wat more with this (almost) new life tt i haf been given.. it's impossible for me to stay so composed and at peace with everyone. so..

LET THE BITCH COME OUT NOW.

no more pushing ard, u poofs. I'M CALLING THE SHOTS and no one is gonna bring me down with the negative tones and malicious words. I WILL SURVIVE!

this blog is gonna b ntohing like the old one. i might make ppl hate me or love me for my guts. i dun care. ppl who come in here will probably b ppl i kno anywaes. THEY'LL LOVE ME ALL THE SAME! :)

so, till next time. i am gonna start collecting dirt on some ppl now.. so i can dish it all out in this new blog of mine.

MUAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!